.the sweetest love of all.

hatred.

Monday, October 29, 2007 9:50 AM

i feel hatred in me.

i dunno how im feelin,

funny but awkward at th same time.

i dunno why i will feel this wae.

i find it so silly.

maybe im jus gonna drift from every body.

tired is the word to describe me this time=]..

TIRED!

i wonder.

Sunday, October 28, 2007 2:10 PM

dear diary,

sometimes i wonder,
how is it with fathers love?
how does it feel?
how happi?
how stressful?
i wan a daddy.

i walk along the dark n lonely road just now,
no cars,no human,nothing.
only the lamp post shining light along the dark road.
i realise life would be rather lonely sometimes.
there will be times when i'll feel lonely,
i'll feel scare,tired.
suddenly,i look upon the sky,
i burst into tears..
i told myself,
'ah ma,wo hen xiang ni'.
i miss my granny.
somehow i hope she will bring me up with her.
or at least let me see her once more,
i reali wish i can see her again,
i believe ah ma know whatever im going thru rite now.
she's lookin down from heaven.
the cremation dae,is my saddest period of time.
everyone asked if im okay,
i sae i am.but i feel trapped.
my aunt fainted n my precious cousin had to bring her to the hospital.
the coffin slowly move along the track.
its time to be burnt,
i told myself,
'ah ma;goodbye.i thank u for ur love'.
but the cremation causes me to have nightmares;continuously.
this is suffocating,'GOD,PLEASE TAKE IT AWAY'.

the empty road,empty street.
out alone on the street,
walkin briskly,heart ache,tears flowing.
no,this is not the life i want.
those flashback of the painful childhood.
every vivid memories,
thoughts rummagin thru my mind,
this is scary.

i cant forgive..
i told myself i want to.
but i doubt tt i can.
i told myself,
everyone deserve a second chance.
but hey,this pain he cause,
is a nightmare.
gif me some time.to take away this pain.
i felt so stuck.
heartache,pain.
i dun wan all this.
i wanna be alone.
i wanna leave.
but i noe i cant.

i pray tt god will heal this pain.
i had a deprived childhood,
i had a miserable family life.
i had a broken family.
i hate it.
God,maybe others dunno how i feel.
but i believe u do.
u sae u love all ur children,
but why me?
have i done anythin wrong in life?
i dun wish for anythin.
i jus wan ppl ard me to be happi.
tts all i wish for.
give me a reason to my answer,pls.
i feel numb to love.
i told myself,
i will endure .
even if im hurt by my frens,by love.
i will only cry for a thin which has been botherin me.
i promise.
sth which i am concern of.
i thought of it,
every single min im awake.

im nt in a love mood.
i dun wan to love,
i dun love anyone.
i onli wan to live on...

tryin my best to.

i will cry alone.

i will be tortured alone.

i hope the night will never end.

i will suffer this alone.

i told daddy,mummy

im a human.

i have my own feelings too.

i dun blame anyone.

i blame myself.

please tink of my feelings before any decision is made.

God,please tink of this little child feeling.

ah ma,your're being missed.

this is ah ma.my ah ma.i love u.

i wish God would sae tt ur partin is jus a dream.

im nt takin in reality.

i wouldnt be able to hear ur gentle voice anymore,

no longer get to see ur smile.

the cruelty of this world.

Thursday, October 25, 2007 1:18 PM

ive been troubled by many thing recently.
ah ma's death,daddy n mummy.
i dunno how to sae but i feel pain when i saw daddy n mummy like this.
the pain is reali indescribable.
i wish n i long,
for my dream to come true.
for wad ive been hopin for,
to be fufill.
dearest beloved ah ma in heaven,
please pray tt u will guide me.
u will let wadever i wish to come true.
i wan to turn to someone.
but i dunno who to turn to.
i felt like turnin to my cousin pris,
or to yj fren sherry.
but i realise deep down,
nobody noe how i feel.
the pain.
do the smile still have to be hang on for long?=x

the pain of todae;
ah ma's death n my parents heartache.

goodbye,till we meet again in heaven.

11:32 AM

my ah ma passed away on 22oct07.
she used to be a woman who serve God faithfully.
ive heard many stories of ah ma.
she will always be the legacy in my life.
i felt so guilty.
knowing that ah ma is sick but i didnt went to visit her,
i was havin high fever on the dae my sis n bro went to see her.
the followin dae,i went to work,
i told myself tt i'll go over to visit her on mondae.
but when im drinkin in yinjie's hse on sundae night(mon mornin),
my mum called me n sae tt mama has pass away.
i thot tt she was jus kidding with me.
but i noe tt she is not.
i rush over to ah ma hse,
n saw her lyin on the bed.
at tt moment,
i knew tt she's gone.
i knew tt she've left us.
i knew tt im gonna miss her.
i knew tt she'll be pain-free.
i knew tt she has completed her journey in her 82 yrs.
i knew tt im nvr gonna see her anymore.

when i was young,i didnt reali spend much time with mama.
i only rmb her as someone i call 'chai chee ah ma'.
someone who would do many beautiful pajamas,table cloth for us.
i love ah ma's handicraft.
i only rmb tt i'll go over to visit her everytime after school when im free.
i admit i dun reali care visitin her.
but now im regretting.
how i wish there is a chance for me to shout out,
tt i dun wan ah ma to die,
i dun wan ah ma to go.
i owax feel so proud whenever i tel ppl tt i have 3grandmother.
i love all three veri much.
but now i can only sae,i onli had two left.
i rmb the smile ah ma gave when we meet up.
her beauitful smile,
her laughter.
i miss ah ma.
and she will forever live in my heart.

ah ma,
i promise u will owax live in my heart.
i'll nvr get to see you again.
nvr get to see ur smile,
hear ur laughter.
hold ur hand.
receive ur handicraft.
hear ur prayers.
i noe tt ur wish is for us to be happi,
i promise u,ah ma,tt i will.
i noe u will look after me in heaven.
ah ma,i miss you.
i reali reali miss u alot.
tml's e cremation dae,
ah ma,i dun wan u to leave.
i reali felt like crying.
but i dunno why i cannot cry out.
ah ma,wo hen xiang ni.
goodbye;till we meet again in heaven.

this is my ah ma.
this is her journey in life.
this,she has completed it.
and fufill god's will.
ah ma,rest in peace.
i noe u're in haven.
without any pain or sufferin.
you are free right now.
your will;has been done.
i love u,ah ma.
goodbye.

i hate the pain im sufferin now.
jesus,come n open up the barrier in my heart.
come and touch me.
let me cry out.
let me cry out loud.
take away the pain.
the sufferin,the torture.
the memories-/

.I HATE MYSELF.

i fall to pieces.

Monday, October 8, 2007 10:39 PM

I fall to pieces

Each time I see you again

I fall to pieces

How can I be just your friend

You want me to act like we've never kissed

You want me to forget, pretend we've never met

And I've tried and I've tried but I haven't yet

You walk by, and I fall to pieces

I fall to pieces

Each time someone speaks your name

I fall to pieces

Time only adds to the flame.

You tell me to find someone else to love

Someone who'll love me to, the way you used to do

But each time I go out with someone new

You walk by

and I fall to pieces

im lost in an ocean of pain.

bring me back.

i have to hurry home.

every single time i wander ard the street.

vivid memories of us flash back.

i cant hang on any longer.

wake me up from this nightmare.

i would have dreamt tt i was dying.

8:45 PM

Momma please stop cryin,

I can't stand the sound

Your pain is painful and its tearin' me down

I hear glasses breakin as I sit up in my bed

I told dad you didn't mean those nasty things you said

You fight about money, bout me and my brother

And this I come home to, this is my shelter

It ain't easy growin up in World War III

Never knowin what love could be, you'll see

I don't want love to destroy me like it has done my family

Can we work it out? Can we be a family?

I promise I'll be better, Mommy I'll do anything

Can we work it out? Can we be a family?

I promise I'll be better, Daddy please don'tleave

Daddy please stop yellin, I can't stand the sound

Make mama stop cryin, cuz I need you around

My mama she loves you, no matter what she says its true

I know that she hurts you, but remember I loveyou, too

I ran away today, ran from the noise, ran away

Don't wanna go back to that place, but don't haveno choice,

no way It ain't easy growin up in World War III

Never knowin what love could be, well I've seen

I don't want love to destroy me like it did myfamily

Can we work it out? Can we be a family?

I promise I'll be better, Mommy I'll do anything

Can we work it out? Can we be a family?

I promise I'll be better, Daddy please don'tleave

In our family portrait, we look pretty happy

Let's play pretend, let's act like it comesnaturally

I don't wanna have to split the holidays

I don't want two addresses

I don't want a step-brother anyways

And I don't want my mom to have to change her last name